So, what's going on here then? (Besides the cheese eating and the crying)

Hello Internet, it's nice to meet you. May I take your coat? Please, sit down, have a bit of cake.

Ah, cake. Do you know what? I don't even like cake, to be honest, but recently I seem to find myself having eaten a bit too much of it. Along with too much cheese, too much pasta, too much bread, too many packets of crisps that are meant for sharing, and, essentially, too many meals in one day.

It didn't always used to be like this, when I was secondary school and right up until I was about 17, I was thin, very thin. In fact, one of my secondary school teachers actually thought I looked quite malnourished. Which... was probably true, I used to not eat all day during school and then only have my dinner when it was served about 6pm and then not eat until the same time the next day. Also, I was getting an awful lot of exercise seeing as I would routinely bunk off school most days to evade homophobic bullying and go on walks into the countryside that were miles and miles long.
As a result, by end of year 11 I looked like this:

Not actually a transvestite, I was holding a "Bookworm Bash" (a sort of schoolboy/schoolgirl party where essentially all of us just came dressed as slutty schoolgirls), honest. Bloody killer legs though I think you'll agree.

But to put in perspective actually how thin I was:

Not exactly a glowing picture of health?

But I thought I looked amazing, and I went to college looking the same and I was never short of any male attention so I felt that I must have obviously been doing something right. However, even though i had been drinking with friends since about the age of 15 (naughty, I know), I had never drunk on a regular basis, nor drunk anything of any great volume.

ROLL ON THE 18th BIRTHDAY. On my 18th birthday, I bunked on college, and with my boyfriend at the time in tow, set up shop in the local Wetherspoons from around 9am, with various of my college friends joining me when they had breaks throughout the day. That was my first taste of actually being able to buy my own alcohol and have whatever I wanted.
The Halloween of the year of my 18th birthday (which is in March) I looked like this:

Soon after my 19th birthday, I was starting to stretch buttons on my old shirts:

On the actual day of my 20th birthday, I had rounded out quite significantly:

And on my 21st birthday party night, I was even popping out at the back:

No wonder my ex cheated on me with a plumber with dreadlocks.

And so, now that is only almost 3 months until my 22nd birthday. I am determined to do something about it. 

With the help of the My Fitness Pal calorie and exercise counter app (PRODUCT PLACEMENT KLAXON. I'm not getting paid for this endorsement, but if someone at that company wants to pay me, then bring that cash to mumma) I hope to shed all this beer retention weight and by my 23rd birthday be a bloody svelte and amazing looking young man.

At the moment I weigh 205lbs (which is 14st 9lbs, or 93kg). I stand at 5ft 11inches and I am giving my goal weight as 154lbs (which is 11st, or 70kg). So this will, HOPEFULLY, be a total loss of 51lbs/3st 6lbs/23kg. 

A rate of 1/2lb loss a week is apparently the healthiest, so using that I should be losing 4-8lb a month:

• By Christmas 2012 (1 month from now) I should be in the region of 201-197
• By my 22nd birthday (3 months from now) I should be in the region of 185-173
• By time of my summer work holiday (7 months from now) I should be in the region of 177-149.
• By the time of my 23rd birthday (15 months from now), if that trend continues, I will be malnourished, and in need of cheese and pasta. Or dead.

Now, I am fully aware that these can be seemingly quite unrealistic goals, I can fully imagine myself getting to my 22nd birthday and still hovering around 197. Even just typing out those supposed "goal weights" has made me want to wish time away so I can actually see what I look like.

But losing weight unfortunately, as we all know, is not a quick fix (unless someone is offering to pay for me to have some lipo, I would be ALL OVER that), so how am I going to give it a go? Well:

• CUTTING OUT ALCOHOL. Well, let's not be silly, I will still drink at Christmas, and probably have a couple on birthdays and such, but there will no longer be mid week drinking, drinking alone whilst watching TV  drinking every week at the pub, buying a bottle of vodka saying "oh it's ok because it will last me all week" and then not having any left the day after, drinking with my mother (which is the killer), because I seem to only drink water all the rest of the time when I am not drinking alcohol, and I seem to have a proper laugh throughout the scarce times I'm not drunk, so maybe water will be the magic ingredient to my success? 
• CUTTING DOWN ON THE SHIT I EAT. Though, to be honest, I don't eat that much. It's just that have a horrific control over portion size and I eat meals at very funny times due to working evenings in the week. I most certainly need to cut back on the cheese and pasta though. (EVEN THOUGH OH MY GOD I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE A LIFE WITHOUT THEM.) According the the My Fitness Pal app my optimum daily calorie intake is 1810. So not much room for cheese anyway.
• GETTING A BIT MORE ACTIVE. Beside the every so often rolling around in my boyfriend's bed I do, (believe me, there could be a lot more of that), and being on my feet all day and the barely a half mile walk into work (I'm a greengrocer at a local supermarket, I spend my days looking at veg and lifting boxes of it, which, when I started, seemed like enough of a work out on it's own), I do not do any exercise. I briefly took up jogging, but promptly slipped on ice, hurt my back and never tried it again. Until now. I plan to jog 3 miles a day, until that becomes too easy (getting a bit ahead of myself, I know) and then increase it so it's challenging. And maybe, just maybe, after New Year I will be able to quit smoking and be able to afford the gym. I mean, surely it's full of hot men so my eyes can get a work out too?

If you're still reading, and I haven't lost you completely, I just thought I'd say a bit on why I've turned this little venture into a blog.

Basically, I've been wanting something to blog about for ages. I love writing, but I've become a bit slack at it because I haven't written anything apart from constant lists of veg and fruit in the last 2 years. 

Also, I need a kick up the arse to lose weight if I'm honest, and it would be nice to be able to talk to other people that are battling the bulge as well. because yes, ok, the My Fitness Pal online community thing is alright, but it's full of people doing really well and not cheating and making you feel a little bit shit if you haven't got up off your arse in 3 days and so, instead of showing them wrong, you run to the kitchen and cry whilst eating a whole block of Red Leicester. 

Maybe no-one will read this, but I suppose most blogs are mainly like a diary, a way of talking to yourself without seeming like you're totally batshit mental. Hmmm....

As a word of warning, the majority of these early posts, until my internet in my room is actually sorted and my pc is brought back from the dead, will be from my phone, so I am sorry if everything ends up all over the place and there are pictures randomly placed left, right and centre. 

OH, AND I ALMOST FORGOT:

If you wish to add me as a friend on My Fitness Pal, you can find my profile here.

And if you wish to read my tweets (of which there are BLOODY FAR TOO MANY EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY), then you can do that here.

Well, guess I shouldn't be sat here for any longer, let's all get up and have a bit of a cheeky jog, shall we?